Tuesday, 29 June 2010

So glad to dissapoint you.

Isn't this a great opportunity? To take the rains, to prove them all wrong. I even had serious doubts about it but tonight you showed me how to turn the fear into strenght when you respect it and do not loath it. So, once more, I am not scared any longer of all that lays out of my hands to control. Sometimes it rains, but it can't rain all the time.
Yeah, damn right Jon: old Franky said "I did it my way"; so will I.
You know what the funny thing is?? I've got no idea how this is gonna turn out, but for the first time in months I feel awake. All that happened before here and now was just a tasteless dream from which I didn't want to wake up. I stayed comfy in the previous endless sleepy weeks, but that was just .... not enough.
Some people in here are guilty of not knowing what we want, but none can press charges on us as we are clear about what are the things we don't want. I could make an endless list of those. Unfortunately, that wont bring me what I wish.
To get what I am dying for will take more than just waiting for it to happen whilst I uselessly deflower some poor daisy.
Peace in the world? Lets leave that for some naive Blondy. I was born for a good fight. Even against myself and those who I love if they get in the way of my vision of the world... I never said I was right. Far from it. Just taking my stubbornness very seriously. For those who believe in the reign of stars and constellations, that's what I am: No position, endless criticism, big contradiction and a fierce faith in what I shouldn't believe...But no way of taking it back. Whatever it costs.
I praise all of you who have a role in life well determined. I wish I could be you but I guess... that's just not me.
I am glad to disappoint you though.

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Hay un camino...

Un buen dia te levantas y descubres que hay un peso que ya no esta.
No me refiero a esas grasillas de mas quemadas a golpe de bicicleta en el gimnasio de la esquina, sino a un peso mas dificil de eliminar (aunque, a estas edades, ya no es tan facil como antagno lo de dehacerse de los dos donuts de mas que me como por pura gula)
Es como una carga que tampoco nadie me habia impuesto, pero que yo decidi llevar por alguna razon que no siempre es facil de ocmprender. En esta carrera de Humanidades me he pasado horas leyendo y analizando criticamente los textos de la Ilustracion tan solo para descubrir lo que ya sabia: que yo siempre fui un poco mas Romantica. Los sentimientos me resultan fuerzas mas atractivas de explorar que la impoluta razon porque no responden a leyes universales y me gusta su caracter anarquico. Para lo bueno y lo malo. Cuanto antes lo asuma, mas contentos estaremos todos.
Asi, sin mas, hoy me di cuenta que, a lo Red en "Lo que el Viento se Llevo", todo aquello que tanto veneraba en su dia, ahora me importa un bledo.
No tengo mala conciencia por ello. Bueno, no es cuestion de conciencia, sino de paciencia, de cuantos desengagnos puedo soportar y cuantos intentos de ayudar en vano terminaron por minar la fe en mi.
Cuando se pierda esa fe es hora de abrir los ojos y asumir que algo no funciona correctamente en el mundillo de las pequegnas y no tan pequegnas cosas que forman mi universo y de que es hora de darle la vuelta a la tortilla para que no se queme.
El miedo ha sido superado. Se que nunca me jugue todo mi credo en vano. Conozco mis cartas y las posibilidades...Pero nunca me importo perder cuando crei en la apuesta. Me gusta jugar aunque solo sea para ser derrotada. Aun no se si eso significa que soy una vencedora o vencida. Me gusta pensar que es lo primero, porque creo que soy mas fuerte de lo que pienso.
Se que, a dia de hoy, con mis eyes wide shut, aun no puedo poner la mano en el fuego y jurar por el olvido. Pero veo como el fuego se convierte en cenizas...Lentamente y, por solo una vez, me gustaria que alguien que no fuese yo lo rescatase. O se lo robase a los dioses. O hiciese algo que me ahorrase todo este plan de deshecho. Si hay algo que rescatar, quizs este es el momento, aunque esta vez no sere yo quien tire los dados.
Tras este punto y a parte no habra olvido. Tan solo futuro, y ser parte de el es tan facil...
Tampoco habra vuelta atras. Conmigo nunca la hubo.
Te dire lo que hay: Hay un camino, sin rencores ni escapismo. Es un camino que no merece ninguno de mis lamentos, que tan solo require energia para seguirlo. Quizas en el esten inscritos nuestros nombres, pero no me importa andarlo sola. Hay un magnana que no se como sera, pero que quiero y tengo las ganas para descurir y conquistar. Hay una esperanza...Grande...No podria ser de otro modo ya sin ella, nada de todo esto tendria sentido.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

My guiding light

Now I remember how it upset me having lost your picture, the one Sandra gave me one summer afternoon in the swimming pool; the same I kept in my wallet for 15 years and that,during all that time, came with me anywhere I went.
Why any stupid burglar would want to have anything like that?! OK, I understand the 70 pounds he got, my credit cards...Even the Starbucks one (hope u have a heart attack due to overdose of caffeine "mal nacid@")...But your picture? Did he/she realised how much it meant to me? Of course the idiot didn't. Probably he/she did not even noticed it. And now it could be anywhere...in a draw, inside the bin of a dark alley or in some of those places where useless things rest once they have been replaced for shiny new ones.
I used to look at that picture and think that, if I really concentrate quite hard on my wish...Somehow, someday it would come true. Not quite, uhm? But on the other hand...That drive took me here, and...hei!? Who would say? Definitely, not me.
You always were a kind of ...unique. And I certainly was unique when I had you. That is what makes the word special acquire the meaning it has.
And there are not many special things around. Actually it's very hard to find them nowadays. Even when you think you have found one... well, it turns out to be not so damn good as you've imagined to be.
Thankfully, not always happens that gold turns into cheap metal. I had found the real thing more than once. And, despite not having fulfilled my expectations, the value of the discovery keeps its worthiness.
Mick said once that you can't always get what you want. Well, sooner or later you find out all the truthness that lays in that statement. For sure I didn't have it, and still, I ended up winning with the search because I've realised that looking for Itaca is the real treasure. I guess Penelope will have to threat a bit longer, because I am enjoying the journey. I am not coming home, babe. No yet.
I think I have found you now, because I am understanding...finally, I am understanding myself.
I guess you are a platonic someone on whom I deposited all the good things I wanted to reach in life. And, by having you, I could had them and make my world better. None could touch it, because that was our secret, my secret. You were my Island, my Itaca, my sanctuary, my pureness. I was stronger than anyone because none could touch you. You belonged to me entirely in that world of ideas which brought sense to the, by then, senseless world. But...I didn't want to have you....Heaven's sake!! I didn't even know you! I wanted to have some guiding light. That's all. And you always were and always will be my guiding light.
I don't care none ever understood that. I never gave a damn about it.
I am flying now, can you see me? Because I can see you, and you are still beautiful. You have always been, and always will be...MINE. And, as the song says..."The world out there, can kiss my ass. As long as I've got you I'm free"

Sunday, 20 June 2010

My soul in the throat.

With my soul in the throat, I'll pack all these things that crowd my little room that are just that: things. I will need a bigger suitcase for the memories, though I don't want to take them with me in this trip. I probably should sell them 50 pence a pic in Camden Town. Since everybody in this planet trades with anything nowdays, I don't see why I should't do the same.
This is a journey for me. A path ahead for my willing feet. I sometimes sense I was there before, but that must be the collective Imagination of those who before me crossed the same ocean looking for the same thing that I do.
A different life.
Not even that. Let's say this life, the way it is, with a totally different background, no gold involved. No glory beyond the personal one. No fear either. Not bloody lack of network, or blipping fax numbers, or stupid computers that work all day under the command of boring orders.
It has to be a new canvas for my colours. I am looking forward to merge in that eternity full of sunshines I always reach too damn late, so I am not taking any watch with me this time, because time will be on my side, not blowing against me.
Me and the mountain, feeling its presence, its strenght, getting lost in the earth below... I can almost feel the air, the water running thorugh my feet...and I know I won't miss this sky that woke me from the dream...

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Buscando el Norte

No se para que tanto salir corriendo, cuando es mas facil hacerlo claamdamente, a un ritmo en el que se puede ver con perspectiva, casi a camara lenta, los movimientos presentes y los lugares a futuros a los que estos nos conduciran.
Quiero rescatar un poco de ese yo que tanto se durmio en los laureles del asfalto ingles, a donde vine buscando no se que que, aun hoy en dia, no se si lo encontre y lo deje marchar o es que nunca se cruzo en mi camino.
Siempre he perseguido con teson esos suegnos que tanto me persiguieron cuando mi horizonte eran solo montagnas para demostrarme que es muy dificil vivir sin ellos. Tambien descubri que estos evolucionaron conmigo, que siempre han estado ahi y que un buen dia se atrevieron a sacudirme la tonteria para volver a recordarme quien soy cuando pensaba que ya todo estaba perdido.
No me pidas nada, vida. Yo jamas he pedido nada a nadie. No quiero dependencia lastarando mis alas. Es un lema que se ha convertido en un plan de existencia, en una religion. Para muchos una condena, para mi, un oxigeno tan vital como mortifera seria su ausencia. La libertad, esa gran paradoja de ni contigo ni sin ti, vuelve a guiarme hacia lugares que siempre quise conocer, pero nunca tuve agallas suficientes para hacerlo.
Cansada de todo, hoy he decidido que a veces hay que darle una oportunidad a lo impensable. Solo por saber a donde soy capaz de llegar. El combustilbe que prende el fuego que llevo dentro lo alimentan las ganas de evolucionar, de ampliar mis mapas vitales, de agnadir mas nombres a mis recuerdos, mas historias, mas, mas, mas...
Es una adiccion de lo mas adictiva. Un plan de evasion que simplemente refleja mi alma peregrina, nomada, incapaz de asentarse por mas que lo intenta.
Vajar al Sur para encontrar el Norte.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Una suma de factores de resultado incierto

Yo, que no entiendo mucho de football, me aventuro a decir que la vida se parece bastante a este deporte.
Algo menos arriesgado seria el decir que no entiendo mucho de la vida y en semejante conclusion si que no tengo ningun miedo a equivocarme. De hecho, estoy segura de que acierto al 100%.
Pero no me quita el suegno el perderlo de vez en cuando buscano un sentido o esperando un dia mejor.
Hablaba hoy con una prima de la necesidad de anclar nuestra historia a un pasado comun. Le comentaba lo importante que era para mi indagar en la vida de las generaciones que nos precedieron y nos legaron sabiduria y errores, todo en un mismo lote, dandonos la libertad de descubrir nuestra capacidad para desarrollar lo uno o lo otro.
Los resultados, como en el football, siempre son impredecibles. No todo esta escrito o bajo el control de nuestros deseos. No se que dirian los griegos a cerca del balance entre el orden y el caos, pero estoy segura de que ambos elementos gobiernan nuestar existencia, desiquilibrando y equilibrando el resultado de nuestras decisiones. la frustracion, la alegria, el amor, la derrota... Acaso dominamos cada uno de los sentimientos que nos gobiernan? A caso nos hemos convertido en los dioses que creamos para darle sentido a cada una de nuestars acciones, de nuestros temores y gozos?
Nuestro pensamiento, ilimitado en su capacidad de conducirnos a donde ni nosotros mismos pensabamos que podiamos llegar, es el pez que muerde el anzuelo que es el azar... Y picamos... a veces sabiendo, la mayoria a ciegas, como hemos ido siempre hacia nuestra perdicion y gloria.
La persistencia nos ayuda a no desistir ante el peligro del desorden que a veces es destructivo y otras, liberador. Pero esa persistencia no siempre es eficaz. Quizas sea mejor asi, porq nuestra historia nos demuestra que hay poca verddades inmutables. Las normas pertenecen al mundo de los mortales y complacen solo necesidades pasajeras que el tiempo tranforma hasta convertirlas en obsoletas. Somos materia en cambio, y por ello tambien lo son nuestras creaciones, fisicas y morales.

Quizas en otro tiempo sera innecesario el intentar acercarnos sin el deseo de destruirnos. Pero ese tiempo aun no ha llegado. Puede que nunca lo haga, porque sin sombras jamas habria luz; No habria un te quiero sin un adios, ni el saber hasta donde estariamos dispuestos a llegar sin haber perdido. De la paradoja surge el valor de aquello que alcanzamos y de lo que dejamos o nos deja ir... Al fin y al cabo esta vida es una adiccion de factores cuya suma nunca da cero.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Espacios infinitos.

Definitivamente, echaba de menos el sumergirme en las palabras familiares, en sus sonidos que huelen a casa, a territorio familiar y no hostil.
Ahora que soy como ese barco que vuelve a puerto, me siento confidente para contar las historas que quiero, para dibujar Londres en cuatro renglones y habar del rio que duerme a las orillas de Camden y de las ondas musicles que abren nuevos espacios creativos descubiertos en Rough Trade.
La mortalidad es demasiado limitada para saborear todo lo que nos ofrece a simple vista. El conocimiento de algo, deberia de ser profundo; requiere que nos tomemos tiempo para degustarlo y compararlo, para encotrar su esencia y hacerlo parte de nosotros. Visto asi, no hay demasiados agnos para escuchar voces y asociarlas a un rostro, a una epoca, a un muro de museo, a un pasado sin pena ni gloria.
Quien eres? Por que te encontre en mi camino aqui y ahora, entre cientos de caras insipidas sin misterio ni secretos confesables? No lo se, y sin embargo compartimos un momento, un mensaje que la luz tenua de las dos de la tarde llevo de tu mirada a la mia sin necesidad de palabras absurdas.
Y asi como te encuentro, te pierdo, porque mi mente ya no vive aqui, en ese momento que acaba de pasar junto a nosotros, soldando nuestras almas en el cosmos y el caos del universo. Mi mente ahora ya solo te recuerda para reflexionar cuan rapido giran las pequegnas cosas cuya vida es fugaz, a veces imperceptible, pero imprescindible para llenar nuestros espacios y esto que llamamos vida.
Aqui va mas rapido, porque es asi como lo queremos. Alguien nace en este momento, justo cuando pienso que quiero olvidarte porque ya no me acuerdo de tus suegnos. Y esta muerte en vida, a base de tanto escribirla, se hara realidad. We both know it's true.
Este deseo de saber que se esconde detras de la montagna me abre el apetito por sabores aun no degustados. Cuando resolvere el misterio? Creo que es el enigma de la existencia, porque una vez conquistada la cima, el horizonte siempre ofrece mas paisajes y dudas. Dada la forma del planeta, puede que estemos destinados a andar siempre en circulos pero nunca nuestros zapatos se gastan en vano.
Nuestros pies nos arrastran, caragando sobre sus hombros el peso de nuestras convicciones y luchas. Solo se cansan si nosotros lo hacemos. Pero como aburrirse de los espacios infinitos que ofrece esta esfera fisicamente finita?

Saturday, 12 June 2010


Ha empezado la locura colectiva del deporte que devuelve al hombre a su estado natural pasando olimpicamente de todos los agnos de civilizacion que nos preceden y que echa por tierra la Tesis de Darwin y su teoria de la Evolucion.
Por fin nos importa un bledo la crisis, que el euro este en peligro de extincion, que suba el IVA, que no haya Dios que gane la guerra en Afganistan, que los Palestinos sigan tirando piedras contra el arsenal militar Israeli o que al tiempo Londres no le de por cambiar a mejor a mediados Junio. Que mas da?
Al Cesar lo que es del Cesar y a las masas que nos den pan y football, Canla Plus y TV Satélite que nos conecte 24 horas a Sudafrica para poder, por fin, encontrarle un sentido a nuestras vidas.
El balonpie al rescate del Estado Nacion!! Y es que...En que otra ocasion se nos veria vestir nuestros colores con orgullo?. Ya se pueden Zapatero y compania matar a explicarnos que los recortes son necesarios que a partir de ahora y durante un mes, nuestra religion sera solo el avance de la furia Roja en el mundial. Y es que si Torres nos lo pide y nos da motivos, vendemos a nuestra abuela y recortamos hasta en papel higienico si hace falta.
Quien dijo miedo? Podemos cuando los obstáculos son la seleccion Suiza. De chocolate y relojes esots Suizos entenderan mucho, pero a lo de darle patadas a un balon no nos ganan se pongan como se pongan.. Un estado neutral neutralizado solo será el comienzo porque ahora que sabemos a lo que sabe la victoria, queremos mas
Con una solucion positiva ya puede el gobierno de turno establecer la edad de jubilacion a los 90, porque si hace falta, no nos morimos. Spanish Passion in extremis. Y es que cuando nos ponemos...En comparacion, el caballo de Atila se queda en mero pony.
Y, por favor, que alguien le diga a John Gray que este mes los hombres vienen de Marte y las mujeres... tambien.!!! Al parecer esta fiebre es contagiosa.
San Antonio, este agno paso de darte la tabarra con lo de los novios y tonterias por el estilo. Mejor se lo dejamos a Tom Cruise que es um experto em misiones imposibles. Este Junio la velita la enciendo para que ilumines a nuestra Roja, que ya va siendo hora de que los hombres espagnoles nos den una alegria.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Let the wind blows

I am enjoying the summer time. I know it's no summer yet, but since I am a student free form school duties...Who cares about exact dates? For me, it's already summer.
It's a pity that the English weather doesn't share the same enthusiasm.
A raining background. That's all I have. What a crappy way of starting everyday. Specially today, after having dreamt that I was going to visit Ellis Island and just when the Statue of Liberty appeared in the distance in all her grandiosity, the alarm woke me up to another day in Russell Sq.
I should have no reason to complain. This is Central London, where Dickens used to live and where Virginia probably started to design a room on her own whilst looking at Bloomsbury Park.
I guess the scenery has changed since then. No more Bohemia and dark alleys where to get drunk in the intimacy of your thoughts. Now this area is packed with tourists and their maps, their cameras, their euros to be changed and their useless design sun glasses. Russell Sq belongs to a hotel chain that has found its business in the will of some foreigners to get a comfy holiday, a glimpse to the world from a window with a view to Southampton Road. I just find extremely boring the reflect of that world in their eyes.
One day...I was going to say that one day I will own a house in Primrose Hill, but...the future is not merely built upon dreams. My future, like yours, is uncertain. Probably mine more, since I still don't know if staying in this amazing place is what I want.
I don't think so.
Maybe in other conditions...or maybe that's just an excuse too because I know the time hasn't come for me to settle. Not yet.
I guess I'll know when the time comes. It doesn't scare me if it never does but I would lie if I didn't say that I feel a bit lazy to face my rebel soul. Probably rebel without a cause though everyone has a cause no matter how absurd or senseless it might seem. I just don't want to justify or explain mine to anyone.
I just want to let the wind blows... Only 1 thing lasts 4ever. How could I have forgotten that?

Saturday, 5 June 2010

I am getting used to love this city, but in my own way. I think that annoys a lot of people, but I cannot be bothered.
Lately, I have been in the lonely mood, dont' know why, but I feel kind of free like that. I like checking what's new in the streets by myself. I try to avoid getting used to this, but I cannot fight it. Actually, I don't want to: I like giving in to the will of running away from the multitude or merging with it without letting anyone enter into my sphere.
I think it was Ville who wrote an Ode to Solitude. I like this guy; Anytime I listen to his voice I can sense that he really feels what he sings, in the way that he went through it, and still he wirtes beautifully about the pain, the loss and the hope. I should write "feels" in capital letters because he's got a sort of authenticity I always felt atracted to. I like that.
He might be a non conventional artist, but who needs more of those hiper marketized ones who look all the same? The system I guess. But there is always a contra stream flowing next to the conventional one. I like swimming in those waters.
It might e my curse that I fear to be trapped in this adiction to individuality and independence. It's important to keep solitude in chains, because that is a tricky one.
Sean Penn, in his marvellous film "Into the Wild", chose to end up highlighting the idea that happiness, if it's not shared, it's not happiness. There it is an important thought and Rousseau comes again to my mind.
Those moments, those breaks of isolation..Are they becoming longer? It only scares me that they become inevitable.
What if this is it? I could get used to it...I could release that side of me...I could live away from society. It's quite scary...The bliss of solitude.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

In the temple of "irrationality".

There has to be something strange about wanting to explore the dark side of reason in the summer time. Apparently, I did not get enough after a hard year full of ups and downs. A bit more is needed here.
I am intrigued about the discovering the multiple sides of rational thinking and how these are categorised in the name of universal rules that are accepted by the vast majority of mankind.
Minorities, always feared, have the space that modernity has created for them. I am talking about a sacred place where minor opinions can develop and live free from judgement. But such a place is far from being paradise. As a matter of fact, it remains so unexplored that it ends up becoming fictional, Utopian, not real.
Can we change something from this "non reality"? Of course we can. Actually, we must, that's why it's so important to cultivate the freedom of expression in our societies and let our darkness breath in the light of enlightenment. Because if we opt for buring it, it will end up becoming a dangerous idea that can turn the dream into a nightmare. Again...
So what's up with curiosity? I must follow it, there is not escape from it. I feel the urge to nourish it, the rush to build my opinion before others impose it upon me.
So I guess that..."Bad medicine is all I need".
Maybe because my mum never read to me those fairy tales with happy endings before going to sleep, I always found love too boring according to those scripts where the roles where defined from the beginning. Just one way out of those high towers. Where is the adventure in there?
Everything was sort of grey until Arthur came with his rebel attitude and his revolution of absent and nights full of torturing passion. mmmm.... Despite the suffering involved in it, I found that that was love too. Well, not quite. It was better; it was the reinvention of it: He represented the fire that burnt the ashes of rhymes without rhythm.
After him, there was no more white cheeks and generous breasts....Gosh...No more virtuous ladies waiting for some knight in his shining Armour. Thanks to him, the damsels of fainting look, red lips and moonlight smiles disappeared forever. So did the charming idiots whose only experience in life was based in the hope...just the hope of kneeling in front of the princess to, magically, live happily for ever after. Or some stupidity like that.
Thanks for the purity of sex and its fire; for the truth of the ugliness, of the need to explore the limits of our capacity to endure, to drawn into the awareness of feelings translated in the worship of every curve in which to die every night, to pass out in every second of giving in carelessness, fearless, breaking every limit known and unknown to us by the unmasked lover of our fantasies.
Thanks for the death of love and the discovery of it.