Sunday, 9 October 2011
You told me you wanted a story. I went to the forest to get you one. I walked deep in the greeness and thickness of the trees that were here before it all started and I tried to listen to the wind that teasses them showing no mercy. He said nothing new; nothing I didn't know. We both strolled together for a while, handing hands like new born lovers, untill the cold of his touch was unbearable for my skin. Few things in life are meant to be free and it's a waste of time trying to keep them. Doing that only increases the sense of dispair and loneliness we look forwards so badly to scape from. Few souls, even though they belong to each other, are destinied to walk alone the path of life. That I learnt. So I have your story now, I came here to tell it to you and it breaks my heart to leave you alone with it. I see myself moving forward, or backwards...Moving like a ship in the ocean with no land around. All I ever wanted is here, where your eyes scape my gaze, and I keep on staring to rescue them from the fire we both ignite with this uncontrollable desire. I wanted you to teach me this new world and show me the way home. But that offer never was and I'd will never asked for it. I know it takes some time to start form the start once again. But I am here, where not all dare to go. I was waiting for it, but I suspect the train never came, or left the station wihtout me noticing. However, this place I know so well it's kinds of nice. From my usual sit, I'll see you come and go, up an down, being cherised by the memories that never fail to keep us on alert from the past that resists to dissapear without a trace. Like the waters of a river that head somewhere bigger and unknown, and like the sand of a shore that never rests, I'll move somewhere different now. Away from you but keeping close in case you want to find me. There are so many things out there,,,,so many. I can't keep on waiting forever. I see too much insjustice, a world that crumbles and, regardless its decay, I want to find my place in it, because a fall is never the end. Why not? I also want you to be part of it, but I won't stop now before any kind of hessitation. So all I am asking you is to have the courage to make up your mind. And together we'll figure out the rest. We'll travel to all the places we want to see and we'll change whatever we can or whathever they let us change. We'll learn the codes, the ways, the words to keep on growing and renewing this love that, form the very first moment it appeared, it was destinied to never persish. They won't take that from us. That I promise. If you come it won't be one, but multiple stories to find because, as a wise man said, that's the only new thing on the world. If you decide to come the world will be a better place, regardless the will of many to hide it form the light it deserves. I will make it happen: Those impossibles that today keep us appart and parlysed, there will be there no more. What do I say? I say, I am on my way. And whatever you decide to do, I am taking you with me.
Thursday, 6 October 2011
I haven't wrote for too long. Everyday since I arrived in Copenhagen I wanted to, but always something stopped me from doing it. I felt so sad, or so tired that I never found the time or the special motivation to say something that wouldn't make me wonder what I was doing here. When I was in Coram St I was visualising myself sitting for hours in front of the computer and writting non stop about all I would discover in my daily exploration of Denmark. I knew I would have the time to do it and I was expecting many things: more spare time, more impressions and more words. Specially the last ones, because I came to terms with myself: I cannot live without them. However, I spent days missing a lot of all that. I must recognise that it's been a diffcicult start; not just becasue all the begginigns are kind of hard: expectations always make them harder. Not that I had a lot of them but a few I did. I think I came here with two goals in my mind, and one of them is getting out of my reach, so I was feeling very unsettled because of it. My friends in Spain always told me I was a great adventurer...But I don't agree with them. I am more of a dreamer. Landing in new places is always unsettling for people like me. We need to familiarise with the streets, the names, the landmarks and look for some areas where our wanderig spirits feel free to observe instead being observed. New places are like nests to be built and sometimes it can be a very overlwhelming experience and activity. Moving to a different country is, no doubt, one of the greatest personal challeges that I always felt very comfortable taking. Adventurers don't worry about all that. They don't want to make any place "theirs". I wish I was one. Instead I always end up complicating my existence. Moving from one place to another it's a game for me, a source to renew my vital energy and an opportunity to enrich my mental humanistic framework. All that said, this movemnt had a lot o do with a call from the heart, in the very Susana Tamaro's words. Nevermind how worng its voice can be. I think it's necessary to follow its impulses because they usually are life-changing. I am a fervant believer in Mick Jagger and in the fact that everyday life can be already a heavy rutine. We don't need to sleep forever on that. w could sleep forever with Mick though :P Regardless the postivist side of starting a new life, I knew this time would be different. Not just because I am not 20 any longer. I still feel comfortable enough to send age to hell an do whatever I want. However, I have passed the barrier that, supousely, makes of you a mature and responsibl adult. I was that at 14. But it's truth that when I was 15 I imagined that in 15 years time I would have my house in the mountains....Or that I would be travelling the world and knowig cool people. Eonomic crisis and cold feet made me go for my second expectations. If you are reading this and you are a cool teeneger, follow my advise: Start building your future with different possibilities. Life is an unexpected journey. Keep an open ticket. I had many thoughts in my mind before I decided to say yes to the Danish University and start all over again afyer many years settling in a country I learnt to love as my own, despite the moments of rage against it. All the question marks that harassed me to the pint of taking me to hospital with anxiety attacks were the mer product of fear, of course. I learnt that sometimes it can be diffciult to control it, even when you don't have much to loose in taking the risk. At the end of the day is a risk and they can have a paralysing effect. It's been a weird month. 30 days unpacking stuff...slowly, holding on to some good memories I left in England while trying to adapt myself to my new "home". All I can say is that it feels strange; I feel this land is too alien to me. I don't notice the eagerness, the temptation to conquer it or to be conquered but at the same time, I also sense I like it. We need to give each other some more time, that's all. It's always a matter of time. And of not giving up. I never gave up on my dreams. It's strange because I won very few times in this race of following and persecuting what I ever wanted. Still. I keep on playing. I don't even think I have a good hand, but I just try to fight for what I desire. Desire can be thrillig, addictive and dangerous. Like many others, I very often desire the worng thing, but if that makes me feel good...I go for it. If that makes of me a fool, I do not mind as long as I am a happy one. I guess there had to be some advantages in playing this game. Even when you are desitnied to loose it. Certainly following the path you want to follow it's not a bed of roses. On the contrary: It hurts. It's hard to take the dissapointments, the realisation that, as Mick says, You can always get what you want. But, it's also truth that just the try is worthy. I came here wanting a change the direction in which my life was going. I wanted to continue and finish my education (I don't think that this would be the end...I am too adicted to the whole thing now. I am a knowledge-junk) And I wanted to follow a blinding light. Hell yes! I am an idiot. A romantic. But I hope I never get to the stage of feeling any shame about it. I still don't know what I am going to find in here. It's too soon. For now all I can say is that I am proud of this me that always find the will even when the will is no more.