Where I am

We are close to the end of 2011. As it is common at this time of the year, I’ve got a long list of resolutions dancing in my head with all the glasses of wine I have drunk since I came to Spain, the land where still almost everything is allowed. Resolutions mixed with emotions, uncertainties and the duties I have seemed to forget how to handle, something that also seems to be motivated by the substance that the Spanish air is made of. Leaving comparisons aside, in this country all tastes to freedom, while where I am going soon, the rules are interiorized in ways I am not quite sure that I am ready or able to learn. I always liked a sense of order surrounding me, but apparently, I can’t avoid resurrecting the anarchic that all the members of this land carry inside, like a dialectical ego with the power to create and destroy us to its own caprice. When that happens, the inner voice, little voice, empowers itself, rebelling and protesting against the imposition of the norm and the deviation from the island of ideals and personal values that belong nowhere in particular but have a very solid soul. It’s curious, but I am losing faith in all I used to believe in before. I am not willing to embrace the uncertain future and I terribly fear the sense of lost. I am scared to death of missing that rebel part of me in this metamorphosis that I can’t control or stop; I am scared to never see again that passionate creature who was so daring to give without asking anything in return. Now, when I look myself in the mirror, I wonder when the beginning of all this started, and where I lost track and my energy to keep on being as I always was. However, despite being tired, I am still brave. I am still fighting for that that I want to become. I can say I followed my heart and I still dream of being a better person for myself and the others; I haven’t stopped fighting to be with who I want to be even though that never came easily. Last night, I was begging Destiny to send me some sings, to let me know all this effort was worthy, that not all love is in vain and that not all the time I spent thinking on different ways to get closer to him, to make him happy, to find out his dreams and passions, was lost. He told me that deep inside I know what really matters and how far is worth to go for that that I want. He told me is good to try, to live and love, but also to recognise when it’s time to let go and let loose those parts and weights that keep us down. When is time to let go? Maybe it is now, when I still love you. But what for if you don’t care? What for my heart crossed an ocean? It still amazes me how little it takes to fall for those who we choose. It takes so little to get used to that bloody happiness of sharing few words, few songs, few visions of yourself dancing in the moon to a rhythm not yet written, specially composed for two souls that long for each other. After the illusions, the starry nights and waiting, it takes a whole heart to say goodbye. A heart you’ll never fully recover again. That’s where I am now. I am learning to fly again with a broken hope and many more waiting to be fulfilled. I know I’ll succeed. I know I will master again all the feelings that now are crumbling inside me like waterfalls, melting me in tears, re-making my ashes, constructing my persona that can’t help to wish you were here. Our body aches in the distance, but it’s also truth I am no longer dying for your touch as I used to. You allowed the fire to perish in the game that you had won and gained you. I grow tired of so much missing and lonely nights, of guessing and waiting. My patience perished in your self-esteem and confidence of having me when you never dare to come and get me. That was my fault, but I learnt the lesson: Don’t give the chance and take what is mine according to my desires. So, mechanically and slowly, I will stop trying to amuse you. Maybe you didn’t even care when I did and you won’t even miss my presence when I am gone. You will never know how much I tried to be there, in a small part of your life where I so bad I wanted to enter with your permission. It wasn’t granted, so it’s time to leave. I won’t bother myself or you anymore. I am proud of daring though. I am a fool to cry because all I did, I did it with a pure vision, a naïve intention to be more complete and give you all I got in return. After all this, I can say that not everything is lost. I am like that beach where the weaves always return. You know the song…you know it now. It’s funny you always thought there was something else, some obscure manipulation. But all those words… that’s all I ever was. No further mystery. If you knew me better, you’d know that when I say “I love you” that’s all I mean and all I am. Regardless the feeling that still lingers here, hidden so good inside me that I can’t shade light to find it and take it out, it’s time to stop because, never mind how much I wanted it, you never were where I was waiting for. Now I don’t know where I am. But I will find out soon.